The End of Achievement

The same week I got a positive pregnancy test, I also got a positive Covid test.

My toxic trait is that I am fine suffering physically, emotionally, and financially to achieve my goals.

My body constantly reminds me to slow down when I’m pushing too hard.

I love being pregnant. I’m incredibly grateful for the privilege and resources that allowed me to make an affirmative decision about being pregnant. Simultaneously, I am angry about the Supreme Court’s assault on a person’s choice to have a child. In my twenties, no way could I have handled motherhood emotionally or financially.

For me pregnancy is a reminder that my existence is for something bigger than myself. While I’m okay suffering, I’m not okay with my baby-to-be suffering. My baby is keeping me in check.

Pregnancy gives me more clarity; makes me more decisive. Pregnancy empowers and emboldens me to go after what is best for me and my family.

My goal this year with my business is to have more freedom and more time by removing myself from being so involved. The problem is I’m a micro-manger that doesn’t trust anyone can do things like me.

Now that my baby is due during my busiest client season, I truly have to learn to delegate because I physically won’t be able to work.

I set goals working backward from my due date. But this past month, I’ve felt a tiredness I can’t overcome with healthy habits and willpower. I’ve had long Covid symptoms of regular asthma and a random cough.

I’ve had to slow way down. With that comes guilt from not achieving at the level of my expectations.

I gave myself permission to rest. I’ve been working maybe 2 hours a day, three days a week. I’ve been firm in saying no to calls and potential opportunities. I can do this because I work for myself and the privilege of relying on my husband’s income.

Somehow things are still in motion, and projects are still moving forward, even with so little effort.

The other day, I started to feel overwhelmed by everything I need to do before launching my new product this summer.

I closed my eyes and tuned into my wise self. This is the 70-year old version of me who has lived through so much and gives me advice from the future. She always knows what to say and laughs at my current day anxieties. I told her all my worries and she responded, “Lauren, you’ve already made it.”

The tears simmer out as her message sinks in.

I’m constantly focused on what I haven’t done, and I hardly pause to appreciate where I’ve come from and where I am today.

My constant strive for achievement feels over. I’m currently reflecting on:

• What does the end of achievement mean?

• What does the end of achievement look like?

• Who am I without trying to achieve?

I sat and reflected on what would happen if I didn’t meet any of my goals. I often tell myself logically it’s okay if I don’t achieve, but for the first time I truly felt it in my body that it’s okay to do nothing.

My energy and motivation are coming back. But since I moved so many projects forward, working so little last month, I want to continue working at that same pace. Instead of channeling my energy into work, I’m channeling it into creative writing and spending quality time with people.