What would someone who loves themselves do?

This question helped me fulfill my intention to practice self-love and grounded me in 2023.

I began 2023 in impenetrable darkness. I spent the first six months on the couch in my fleece robe, a newborn at the breast, binge-watching Backyard Builds and Selling Sunset. Sleep deprivation is an inhumane form of torture, yet parents are expected to endure it.

I’ve never worked so hard, yet felt like I was failing at my job. My mom raised 5 kids mostly solo. I have an involved husband, a large extended family assisting with the kids, and a house cleaner. Despite so much help, I constantly broke down and felt guilty for not being able to handle it all.

After giving birth to two kids in three years, I neglected my own needs. I resented my husband for not doing enough. I expected him to use divination to magically come to my aid when I didn’t know what I wanted or needed.

I set an intention at the start of each year. My intention for 2023 was self-love. I wasn’t self-loathing, but I wasn’t kind to myself.

I defaulted to self-criticism for every mistake and desired improvement. I didn’t know how to stop myself, and each critical thought spiraled into a shame cycle: “See, Lauren! What’s wrong with you? Stop being so critical!”

James Clear writes in Atomic Habits that to change habits, you should work on your belief system by believing you are the kind of person who does the habit. For example, to develop healthier eating habits, ask yourself, “What would a healthy person do?” Then act accordingly. Once you act enough, you have evidence to start believing you are that healthy person.

I applied that advice and asked myself constantly, “What would someone who loves themselves do?"

I made that question the password to unlock my computer so it would be top of mind.

I started journaling daily morning pages to release my anxiety, judgments, and rage, and uncover my deepest desires. I coached myself as I would a friend who was too hard on themselves.

I wrote these things in my journal over the year:

“A person who loves themselves wouldn’t give more than they could.

A person who loves themselves drinks plenty of water.

A person who loves themselves fearlessly makes decisions, knowing it’s OK to make mistakes.

A person who loves themselves asks for what they need.

Someone who loves themselves would feel comfortable throwing things out without guilt or shame.

If I loved myself, I wouldn’t stress about cleaning before the cleaner arrives.

Someone who loved themselves wouldn’t need to impress their mother-in-law."

Reading these entries feels dumb, like I can’t believe I had to encourage myself to drink more water because I felt guilty putting down a crying baby to go pee! But I needed to get this stuff out on paper to see where I was neglecting my own needs because of unidentified guilt or judgments.

When my husband suggested I work with his coach, I resisted. I didn’t feel deserving because she coaches successful entrepreneurs and charges hundreds for a call. I had to learn to love myself enough to accept my husband’s offer.

She was worth every dollar. She helped me realize my lifelong dependence on external validation for my self-worth. Jobless, I lacked the praise I craved. She showed me that my burnout stemmed from overgiving because I needed my clients to need me. She provided exercises to reconcile seemingly disparate aspects of my identity, like my intellectual boss side and my caretaking motherly side. She guided me through meditations to revisit and heal the unloved child within.

I thought practicing self-love meant being more positive and affirming myself, but I discovered it's about loving the parts of myself I dislike.

When I was young, I had a Regina George Mean Girl side to me. I often talked back to adults and regularly got called a bitch. As I matured, I felt residual guilt and overcompensated by becoming overly people-pleasing and striving to be likable.

A hard conversation with my father-in-law about disciplining my toddler made me recognize my love for my rebellious childhood self. I realized little Lauren, lacking a stable home life, was hurt and clueless on how to get her needs met without demanding attention. Little Lauren advocated for herself and others, unconcerned with others' opinions of her.

I stopped viewing that part of me as wrong or bad and recognized her value. I named that side “Diva Lauren.” Now, people often call me “the diplomat” at work or in my family. When facing a tough situation, I ask, “Does this need Diva Lauren or Diplomat Lauren?” and access the required persona. Diva Lauren identifies that there’s something wrong. Diplomat Lauren determines how to convey the issue. Diplomat Lauren understands others' perspectives and presents options. Diva Lauren is clear and direct in her requests.

Self-love taught me to see the underlying wisdom in the parts of myself I judge.

Eventually, my belief system shifted, and I stopped having to ask myself, “What would someone who loves themselves do?"

As the habits of taking care of myself spiritually and physically manifested, I became a more present and patient mother.

My self-love allowed me to indulge in a 2-day Joshua Tree trip with my husband (without guilt for leaving the kids) for our annual review. We reflected on the past year and set our vision for the new year. I cried reading my journal entries, shocked to see how far I had come from the difficult place I started in.

Here is to 2024!