The price of self-employment
Welcome to my very first newsletter!
For the third year, I am continuing my online summer course Win A Fulbright, where I coach people through an intensive scholarship application to do research, creative art projects, or get a graduate degree abroad. Mostly, I am helping students align their passions and career path, teaching them proposal writing and how to do outreach and build partnerships internationally.
Previously I taught this course only through word of mouth marketing. This year I’ve been a nonstop power generator building out an online presence: developing a website, learning how to use instagram hashtags, and creating a library of free content.
But selling my course makes me feel icky. I have fundraised millions of dollars in grants and have asked hundreds of people for donations to my organizations. Yet charging for a product I created feels terrifying. I have no organization to hide behind.
Every year, I’m dripping with anxiety waiting for the first purchase. Right now I’m in the midst of it. I’m telling myself I’ll be a failure if nobody purchases after I’ve spent months writing “how to” articles, hosting webinars, and doing free advising. Somehow I lump together people purchasing my course with my own personal value. Wednesday night sitting with my own significance, my thoughts were raging, “They don’t like me. I’m not worth this much money. This is all for nothing.'' Like tea seeping from a bag, the dark thoughts spread.
I picked up the phone and called my husband Tiago. He asked me lots of questions about why I do this and helped me come to the realization that it’s not about me.
I’m truly passionate about supporting people to have access to this transformative experience, especially people of color. And I know I’m excellent at this. If my course was a university it would be in the top 1% of Fulbright producers in the country. Recently one of my students who won the Fulbright to do research in India was UC Merced’s first ever undergrad to win a Fulbright. Less than 8% of Fulbrighters are people of color and the top producing Fulbright award universities are mostly small, elite private schools. I’m committed to changing that.
For me, the process of applying for the Fulbright helped me define my life goals and was a catalyst for my health equity career. This experience changed me from being a person who does what is expected of me into a person who fully follows my passions and the uncharted path. Every time I talk to a student who doesn’t think they are capable of winning a Fulbright and doesn't think they matter, I shine a spotlight on their potential and shower them with confidence. I’m able to do that because I’ve been there and had a Latina mentor who got me through this process. That was all I needed to shut down my pity party and have the courage to be more bold in my outreach, more generous in my scholarship giving, and more committed to the long game.
I’ve come to a sense of peace knowing that I am in this for the long haul and whatever happens this year will be additional learning for next year. My goal is not to make money, but to be of service. I don’t know what will happen but I’m comfortable riding the wave.
What is always most helpful to me in these situations is sharing with and learning from others. I’d love to hear from you about what you are trying to achieve right now and what are some of the roadblocks you’re encountering. Just reply to this email.